@TEXASVETERAN

I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe

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@AmishPornStar1

Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.

@AtticusFinch79

Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?

Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.

Me: I’m flying United today.

Him: Don’t forget your helmet.

@MelKassel

The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?

@Spaziotwat

If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.

@Merman_Melville

Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents

@WilliamAder

I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.

@Juicedballs

I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.

@garrydavenport

If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.

@ericsshadow

[first date]

HIM: Can I call you sometime?

HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone