@TEXASVETERAN

I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe

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@GrumpyBahr

North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.

@Lisa_Laughs_

If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.

@bazecraze

You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.

@JohnLyonTweets

Him: The last couple of years have been tough.

Me: Tell me about it!

Him: Well, two years ago I…

Me: Don’t really, though.

@Paxochka

I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.

@Book_Krazy

Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful

Me: Flies away

@Gupton68

The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

@MensHumor

I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.

@DaddyJew

Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up

Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday

Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!

@OneFunnyMummy

I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods