@dogfather I want to meet the individual who made this
@TEXASVETERAN I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
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@dogfather 
@AmishPornStar1 Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
@AtticusFinch79 Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
@MelKassel The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
@Spaziotwat If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
@Merman_Melville Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
@WilliamAder I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
@Juicedballs I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
@garrydavenport If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
@ericsshadow [first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone