I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
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Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.