I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
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My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.