I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
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Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Noah
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*