I just tested negative for patience.
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I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?