I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
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Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
I never know how much to tip a cow.
My five year plan is a meteorite
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression