I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
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RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
True.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.