I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
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Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Me trying to walk in a dream
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Why do meteors always land in craters?
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.