I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
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Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Who did it better?
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture