@Shariv67

“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows

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@CornOnTheGoblin

[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea

@Dad_At_Law

10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”

10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.

@thatdutchperson

“No points, illegal kick to the face.”

“But I’m the hero of this movie.”

“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”

-The Karate Kid

@Tommytoughstuff

*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”

@BareChesty

*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..

“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”

@HomeProbably

The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.

Now no one ever knocks on my door.

@FBSisnothere

“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”

@withanewname

*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*

@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.

@tweetarded1

My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.

WTF. I was looking right at her.