“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
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If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in