@Shariv67
@CornOnTheGoblin [God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
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@CornOnTheGoblin 
@Dad_At_Law 10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
@thatdutchperson “No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
@Tommytoughstuff *Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
@BareChesty *watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
@HomeProbably The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
@FBSisnothere “Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
@withanewname *moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
@TheBoydP All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
@tweetarded1 My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.