“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
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Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Names should have syllable limits. Oh your name is Jeremiah? Nice to meet you Ted
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
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I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
quarantine day 3
imagine u running from the police at night and yo sketchers start lighting up
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”