“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
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Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.