“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows

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[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea


10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”

10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.


“No points, illegal kick to the face.”

“But I’m the hero of this movie.”

“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”

-The Karate Kid


*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”


*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..

“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”


The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.

Now no one ever knocks on my door.


“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”


*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*


All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.


My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.

WTF. I was looking right at her.