“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows

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I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start


My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.


Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.


Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.


Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly


[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]

Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*


Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.


[First Date]

Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
M: Like to screw?
M: Hey! Where are you going?


Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing

Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys