I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
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i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.