I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
You Might Also Like
My support group can outdrink your support group.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
grotesque if literal: baby food
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer