I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
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My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”