@NickBossRoss

I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?

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@BadNewsRapDudes

Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.

@UNDEADTRESOR

Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?

@iheartgunts

I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.

@BenOnus_Kenobus

“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.

@imence2

“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?

@Paxochka

I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.

@illTortuga

Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.

@MrSpoonicorn

i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach

@rickygervais

The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.