I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
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Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
ACED my prostate exam!
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*