I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
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[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
X-tra spooky blend
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*