I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
The symmetry is uncanny.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word