I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
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My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
I don’t make the rules sorry
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
The government even made aliens boring
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.