“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
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My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
LA today:
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
life finds a way
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.