I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
You Might Also Like
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in