I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
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Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Simple
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Why font matters.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.