I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
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[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.