I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.

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Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please


Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her


Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”


*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar

Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?


me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together

veggies in my fridge:


TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess


Dear Britain,

This Brexit vote is all wrong

If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.