I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
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Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
God has abandoned us.
so i’m at the stock market right
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.