Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …

Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?

If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following

We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.

it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands

In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.

You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.

[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat

Stranger: Your children are angels

Me: So was the devil

I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.

I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!

In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house

The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.

Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?

Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.

Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.

Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.

Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer

A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.

get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind

When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.

doctor: i have your blood test here
 
me: and?
 
doctor: you failed

Tween and me: *arguing*

Husband: God, you two are just like each other.

Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?

Husband: *jumps out window*

What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.

two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second

Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.

Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets

My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.

[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want

her: i’ll have the lobster

waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster

I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this

My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.

uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there

If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.