I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
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[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”