I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
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This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
What personal space?
My dog
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.