I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
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No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times