I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
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Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”