@knot_eye

I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.

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@DannyZuker

I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.

@Ignorant_Indian

Dating Tips.

C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.

@AngieDavisHaha

I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”

@DrDogMD

PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress

@internetluke

[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*

@GiuliaRozzi

Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!

@Bmittone

A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.

@TurnpikeTony

“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York