I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
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These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.