I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
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How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”