I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
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These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
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To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.