I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
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To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
💁🏻♂️
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.