I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
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I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Owl Sanctuary
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.