I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
You Might Also Like
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop