I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
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I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out