I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
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Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.