“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
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instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
They got a point!
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.