@theaaronone

“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”

*makes her laugh*

“Not you.”

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@onion_an

[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”

@LostFelicia

Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.

My husband knows this now.

@NotKarma

I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.

@thedad

DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer

@carlyken

Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.

@HenpeckedHal

Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”

@Quartzjixler

Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.

@Ignorant_Indian

People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?

@Moi_RaRa

Dear axe body spray,

Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.

Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.

@Playing_Dad

Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.