I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
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mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.