I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
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doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.