I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
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Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.