I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
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If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2