I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
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My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…