I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
You Might Also Like
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that