I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
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In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
thanks auntie mary
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
OMG 🤣🤣