I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
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Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.