I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
You Might Also Like
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
The Others (2001)
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.