I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
You Might Also Like
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.