I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
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My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
I just tested negative for patience.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
This is me
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.