I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
You Might Also Like
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Barbie gone wild
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.