I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
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Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.