I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
You Might Also Like
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”