I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
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Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet