@AddledPixie

I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.

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@OllyiConic

INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure

@OMGSoOverIt

I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.

@clichedout

me: one Big Mac with no cherries

cashier: cherries?

me: no thanks

@LizHackett

I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”

@KattsDogma

if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or

@pixelatedboat

“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world

@T_Bonezzz_

Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher