I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
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Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES