@OllyiConic INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
@AddledPixie I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
You Might Also Like
@OllyiConic 
@OMGSoOverIt I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
@clichedout me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
@LizHackett I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
@ourdailybadge Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
@KattsDogma if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
@pixelatedboat “Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
@theshantilly *works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
@T_Bonezzz_ Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
@1KelliBelle LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?