I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
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“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room