I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
You Might Also Like
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.