@envydatropic

I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me

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@UnFitz

Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”

Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”

@doggiedogthedog

Alexa play Metallica…

Alexa play Metallica…

Alexa play Metallica…

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music

Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…

@SassyCanadian0

I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”

@1evilidiot

Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.

@PaperWash

me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating

publisher: no

me: ok

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?

Tomato: No.

@UtahMomsLife

My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.

@blueeyesgreene

A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.