I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
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There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*